Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I checked into jail on foursquare
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
