She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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