I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
