My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
