I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
