I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
