you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
