Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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