Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
