Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
