doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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