Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
