the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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