I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
