Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
