I will die if light touches me.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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