I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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