i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
