My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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