I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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