You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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