Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
