New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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