You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
