I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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