whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
