Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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