matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
