he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
