new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
