Umm I'm too high to move.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
