Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
