you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
