Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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