She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
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