I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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