well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
