There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
