Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
