didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
