can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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