just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
