So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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