I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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