I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
