I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
