Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
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