1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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