I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
dude. I can hear the air.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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