What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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