She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
